How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
