all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
