Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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