good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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