"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
