Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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