you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
