His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
