Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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