I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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