My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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