Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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