I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
