My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
