I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
