I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
