If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
