No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
