i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
