my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
