You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
