If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
