Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize