I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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