i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
