Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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