I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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