We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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