The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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