So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
