So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
