U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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