White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
