just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
