This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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