All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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