Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
