i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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