So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
