you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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