I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize