We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
