Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize