dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
3 2 1 whiskey
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
