i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
dude. I can hear the air.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
