brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
