I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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