I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
