he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize