Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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