I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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