I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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