I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize