i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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