she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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