I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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