Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
