garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
