I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
