i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
