I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
