Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
