The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
